While the holidays are the most joyous time of the year for many people, for others, it can be the most miserable — especially those with ignorant, bigoted families. One young transgender girl is trying to get this through her dad’s head, and while she didn’t have resounding success on her own, Reddit fully has her back.
The girl’s father took to Reddit to explain his predicament, which is really just a long-winded tale of ignorance on his part. He begins by explaining, “My daughter and I have had our fair share of difficulties. We get along better now, but since I don’t see her as often as I’d like to, the times when we do see each other [are] important. She usually celebrates Christmas with my family since her mom is an agnostic Jew, and it’s an important time for us.”
The dad continues, “My daughter was previously my son and came out as transgender to me two years ago. I honestly blame the last Christmas she spent with my family for her telling her mother so long before me. I think she has been uncomfortable with my family and missed the past few years because my family reacted badly about her coming out as being attracted to men (she doesn’t want to be called gay now, as in she sees herself as a straight girl) the last Christmas she celebrated with us.”
Okay, so we don’t love the whole “she sees herself as a straight girl” phrasing. She IS a straight girl. It’s so damaging to the trans community to deny individuals of their identity. They aren’t living out some fantasy about seeing themselves a certain way; they innately ARE the person they identify with internally, even if their physical form doesn’t “match.”
“It was my mistake for telling them at all, but I didn’t know how to cope with it at the time,” the dad writes. “They were saying some things to her which weren’t right especially since she was really just a kid, and she reacted by crying and literally running out which just escalated everything. At first I was excited to have her agree to Christmas with my family again, but now I’m realizing what happened is going to be that but much worse. I don’t want to see my daughter crying again and I want to improve our relationship.”
The solution seems so obvious: If he knows his family is going to continue to be transphobic and homophobic, he should a. spend the holiday with his daughter regardless, and b. educate his family on their bigotry, and c. if they aren’t willing to learn and grow, he needs to make it clear that his daughter is his main priority, and he will always support her and her true identity, even if that means he has to write them off — because that’s what good parents do for their children.
Well, spoiler alert, that’s the exact opposite of what this guy is doing. He writes, “My solution seems to be causing more issues. I was thinking I could celebrate Christmas with my family without her and then do a separate Christmas celebration with her. Edit: I even told her she could bring her boyfriend, something she would not be able to do if she went to my family’s Christmas.”
So not only is he not going to spend Christmas with his kid in favor of his bigoted family, but he also wants a pat on the back for “allowing” her to bring her boyfriend along to their rescheduled celebration, which is a wildly ignorant hetero glorification. But wait — it gets worse.
“The issue is,” he continues, “the only other days around that time that I’m free, I’m doing Christmas with my fiancée’s family, and then me and the guys (been friends since high school) have this tradition that I can’t skip.” The bros are, like, supes important because they have a high school tradition that can’t be skipped in favor of celebrating the holiday with his child, obviously. Oh, and don’t forget his fiancé either, she also takes precedence over his daughter. But keep waiting — because it gets even worse!
Dad of the Year reveals, “My fiancé is also struggling to be accepting, so I can’t bring my daughter to her family’s Christmas either.” Someone throw a trophy at the man’s head! “My daughter was upset because I had talked about how great our Christmas was going to be since we hadn’t seen each other in a while. I said that we’re still going to have a great Christmas and honestly a better one without my family,” he writes.
“She says she doesn’t care about not being able to celebrate with my family, she says that she wanted to celebrate with me, and I told her she still will. She started saying that she’s always the lowest priority in my life and that she doesn’t want to try to have a relationship with me anymore,” he continues in surprise while we all stare at our screens in rage.
If you weren’t seething before, hold on to your pants — the ignoramus somehow has the audacity to write, “For any other dads out there, I’m pretty sure you can understand why I’m writing here. That sh*t hurt. But there’s nothing else I can really do, so would I be the a-hole? I thought she was just being sensitive but typically when your kid is being sensitive, it’s still important. I know that from experience.”
LOL — guys, he ~knows~ things from experience. Obviously he doesn’t know nearly enough. His head is so far up his a— that we can’t believe he hasn’t choked himself out yet, but no worries — Reddit is here to finish the job.
One user called him out with the swiftness, writing, “Buddy, your daughter has told you that she’s the lowest priority in your life because … you’ve shown her that. That sh*t hurts? That’s because it’s true. And you know it. YTA. Ask your daughter what she needs from you, and DO IT, if you want this to be right. You are HER FATHER. Act like it.”
Another Redditor mocked OP’s ignorance: “I can’t celebrate with my daughter because my family, my fiancée, my fiancée’s family, and my friends all come before her. I have no idea why she thinks she’s not my priority!”
Questioning the dad’s insistence that there’s “nothing” else he can do, another user commented, “Why not skip both the family Christmas and the fiancé Christmas citing unless they accept your daughter, this will be the norm going forward, and spend both days with your daughter? Make it really special?”
They continue, “You say there is nothing you can do, but that isn’t really the case, you could fight for her. No one is going to say anything to her if they know she has you backing her. Bullying a kid isn’t nearly as fun when there are repercussions! You don’t want to lose your daughter? Stand up for her.” Calling him out further, they wrote, “And why are you engaged to someone who doesn’t accept your daughter? What is wrong with you? With all due respect, get your head out of your a—! YTA!”
A trans user took to the comments to explain the correct way to navigate the situation, writing, “I came out as trans to my parents last year. And you know what they did? They educated themselves. And they don’t let the rest of the family talk sh*t about me. Because they love me. You need to make your daughter your priority. Not your transphobic family, or your fiancée’s transphobic family, or even your fiancée. Your daughter. Because if you don’t. She WILL cut you out. Trust me.”
Another Redditor called out the dad’s unbelievable audacity, commenting, “OP literally listed out that his homophobic family, his homophobic fiancé, and his buddies are all more important than his daughter… And he is the one who’s hurt?”
Someone else responded, “Seriously. There are 3 separate Christmas parties that take priority over her, none of which she is accepted at.”
Another wrote, “Exactly! OP, where is the lie in her statement? Here’s your Christmas plan list:
- Family who won’t accept your daughter
- Fiancée who won’t accept your daughter (And WHY are you even marrying this person, if this is the case??)
- Old high school friends, because tRAdiTIOn. (What exactly will it cost if you miss this once??)
When you’re a parent, you arrange the rest of your life and needs around your child’s life and needs, NOT the other way around as you’re currently doing. YTA.”
Raking him over the coals, as he deserves, another Redditor wrote, “She has never been the highest priority. Read the history. He outed her to his homophobic family, he blames her for escalating their homophobia by being upset at their insults and daring to leave the situation, and now she’s again being shunted to the side. OP needs to just duck out of her life permanently; while he’s in it, he does far more harm than good.”
Another responded in outrage, “Right! So far I count 3 other groups of people, 2 of whom sound like a bunch of garbage humans that OP is prioritizing over his daughter! If your family are a bunch of homophobic and transphobic assholes. And directly target your child with their bigotry, why would YOU want to spend even another second being in their company? If your fiancé can’t accept your child for who she is, and neither can her family, why would YOU want to spend another day being engaged to her, or another second in the presence of her family? If hanging out with your friends is more important than spending Christmas with your daughter, then you ARE a crappy parent.”
They snarkily continued, “So, to recap! Your bigot family is more important to you than your daughter. Your bigot fiancé is more important to you than your daughter. Hanging out with your college buddies is more important to you than your daughter. I’m curious, you say she’s not the lowest priority in your life? Who is lower than her? The mailman? The neighbor you secretly hate? BTW, in case it wasn’t clear – YTA – with extreme prejudice.”
“OP you’re literally choosing making transphobes comfortable in their bigotry over making your child feel like you love them. Sit on that,” another Redditor commented.
One user spelled it out very plainly to the dad, writing, “Here’s the thing dude. Ultimately, what everyone here is saying doesn’t matter. You are absolutely the horrible a-hole in this situation, but what matters right now is your daughter.”
They continue, “Your comments claim that she’s your top priority and that you do truly love her. If that is true, then you HAVE to cancel one of your other Christmas plans and spend Christmas with her. Like, that’s just the situation you are in. She is making it clear that she does NOT want a relationship with you if you don’t make an effort to put her first.”
“You can argue with us all day about whether or not you’re prioritizing her or whether you’re doing the right thing or whether you are the a—hole,” they write. “None of that matters except for fake internet karma points. You convincing internet strangers that you’re not the a—hole (even when you definitely are) does nothing to help your situation.”
“What matters is you are GOING TO LOSE YOUR DAUGHTER if you do not cancel on your family and spend Christmas with her. That’s the situation you are in,” they continue. “You have two choices — stick to your original plans and likely lose your daughter forever, or cancel your plans and spend it with her instead and start trying to LISTEN to what she says she needs from you. We can’t make that choice for you. To be clear, one of the choices is definitely the right choice, but you have to make that choice for yourself.”
OP, maybe halfway getting what he’s being told, responded, “You’re right. It’s like this comment kicked me in the head. I’ve got to cancel with my parents. She comes first.”
Coaching him along the rest of the way — slow learner, this one — another Redditor wrote, “You gotta cancel on your fiancé too. This Christmas — they gotta accept all of you — that includes your daughter. Or they don’t get you at all.”
Regardless of how this situation plays out, one thing is certain — this Christmas will be a life-changing holiday for OP and his daughter … either for the better or worse.
Before you go, check out these unbelievable stories about Reddit’s worst dads.
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